Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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