i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
