you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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