u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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