New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
