my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
