it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
