Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
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