oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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