No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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