remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
