his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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