From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
They are providing beer and having a margarita machine. This cannot be passed up.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
