I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
