This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
COCAINE IS GR8
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize
