Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
