chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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