Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
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