Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
