best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Randomize
