When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Dear god my vagina.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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