I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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