At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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