He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
Randomize
