Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Dear god my vagina.
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