She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
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