i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
you mean i was at the winter classic?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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