and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Randomize
