Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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