I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
