Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
Randomize
