Need sex. Gaining weight.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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