i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
She told me I should be a condom model.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
