Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I've blown a few things in my day
either way he was missing a nipple.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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