Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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