i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Randomize
