Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
