You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
