I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
