The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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