I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
