He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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