is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
