I just saw a hot homeless man
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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