The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
