Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
