I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
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