Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Randomize
