where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
