I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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