Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
