my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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